Why the AMA is Losing the Health War

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… October 12, 2003. Have infiltrated the enemy target. Healing center has its own campus, mostly natural. Very little concrete. All corners rounded. Convinced them I was a deep tissue massage therapist… easier that way to take out my aggressions toward them without arousing suspicion. Watching them closely and looking for opportunities to get deeper inside.

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… November 25, 2003. Still maintaining deep cover inside healing center. Primary activities of center include colon hydrotherapy and supervised juice fasts. Difficult to hold my feelings about this treasonous behavior in check – my allegiance to AMA approved medicine only is still strong – and my ability to pretend to support this ridiculous quackery is good. Proud to be of service to my country.

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… December 24, 2004. Missing my private physician and my pharmaceuticals. Have judged it too risky to continue to take my antidepressant medication here. Everyone lives onsite in primitive dwellings. Have to talk with them constantly about how good we are being for mother earth. Disgusting. No private bathroom- no sure place to hide pills, so will use my willpower to conquer emotions. I’ll be fine. My desire to eliminate all this quackery is stronger than my old depression was.

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… December 26, 2004. Was very lonely on Christmas without family. Tried to make cell phone call to my physician’s nurse secretly, but was surprised and invited to meditate with another massage therapist, an attractive but hopelessly deluded little sprite. Facility here has little security, but all staff are very close. Reminds me of operations in Falujah in 1989. Have to adopt lifestyle convincingly. To that end, have had to accept invitation from the colon hydrotherapist to have colon cleansing. Such masochism here, all in the name of health. Pseudoscientific crap!

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… December 31, 2004. Feeling much more upbeat about deep cover work here. Sprite thinks it’s because of the colon cleansing, but I think it’s my focused patriotism. Long live the AMA! Annoying little female massage nymph whose name really actually is, get this, ‘Sprite’, trying to sucker me into relationship, it appears, but I’m too revolted by her to accept (doesn’t shave armpits). Tell Cindy F. in Advanced Weapons Technology I said hi. Made acquaintance with woman who owns the center, trying to get into her confidence, assessing weaknesses we can exploit here.

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… January 11, 2004. Haven’t checked in lately- confused- difficult to resist constantly positive smiling healers- I’ve become a bit depressed- they seem to see it- couldn’t help it got involved with Sprite- but had to to avoid arousing suspicion- shamanic journey therapist told me I needed to ‘pursue the light’. Found center’s files, skimmed them- not sure if there’s anything we can use- maybe some kind of IRS violation we can find in their finances. On a strange note, I actually enjoyed one of the colon hydrotherapy sessions. This quackery can be disorienting. See how these people might become confused enough to be so deluded.

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… January 19, 2004. Sick of juice, can’t stop thinking about bone-in rib-eye steaks! Dream about them all night. Sprite told me I’m moaning ‘meat’ in my sleep. I told her I dreamt she was saying it about me- close call. Couldn’t photocopy tax records because they’ve been going without power to ‘save the earth’. Suspect they didn’t pay electric bill. Will report in again after stupid healing retreat we all have to do.

AMA Intelligence Agent CX93(?) field report… February 1, 2004. Requesting transfer or new assignment. Strange thoughts. Questioning AMA. Retreat was intense. Found my spirit name, White Horse. Feel I’m being brainwashed. But it’s working- very confused. No longer want steak. Feeling tearful affection for other staff. Was happy when I helped a massage patient. Think I’d be better off back in a Middle East assignment.

AMA Intelligence Agent ????? field report… February 3, 2004. No word from you- is something wrong? This is my last ounce of strength telling you I need out of this sickeningly positively heavenly awesome transformative place. They tell me my colon looks perfect and all my flora are balanced. Idea of steak or McDonald’s makes me nauseous. Created my own fasting juice blend. Help!

February 7, 2004. This will be my last communiqué. Sprite and I married in pagan ceremony with female minister. We created spontaneous wedding love song. Attending online colon hydrotherapy course and learning to heal others. Hope you can get free like I did. But you probably won’t understand. Don’t try to contact me again. None of your AMA arguments or weapons will work. Sorry, let me rephrase- if you want a colon cleansing or juice fast, please contact me. Can’t you see that you have to seek the light?
- White Horse.

Long Live the Computer Woman Voice and Her Amazing Customer Service!

I'm happy to report that my cable modem died today.

"Great!" said my wife.

"Another tech problem. What would I do if I didn't have any tech problems?"

"Life would be pretty boring."

So, I called Cox Communications, filled with excitement - I didn't have to worry about my social anxiety, because it would be hours before I had to talk to a real human customer service representative.



You're probably as happy as I am about the fact that most companies have computerized their phone systems. It's now impossible to get ahold of any real living breathing people. In fact, they purposely make the phone options inadequate and confusing in the hope that you don't really have a problem, or you'll decide you can live:

• without a computer
• without the internet
• with the water all over your floor
• with a mongo gas leak you can't stop, or
• with a large piece of steak blocking your windpipe.

Cox, with an obvious stroke of genius, has incorporated cutting edge technology, something not unlike what you saw in 'I Robot', called - brace yourself - "artificial retardidence". A very calm and sane woman's voice comes on and tells you she'll be helping you because all the humans are very very busy and they'd go through the exact same process with you anyway. It really surprised me that Cox employees take phone calls this way:

• speaking very slowly
• ignoring you until after they ask a question, and
• only allowing 2 right answers for each question

But hey, who am I to judge?



To my delight, the computer woman has no idea that the modem might just be dead. But she does make a cool keyboard sound when she looks up my info. I didn't know computers could type on their own keyboards. Maybe she's a robot. I wonder if she's hot!



"Our records show you have a Toshiba modem, is that right?"



"No." Oops, that WAS right, but I thought she meant my computer, because I was thinking of my wife's Toshiba laptop, which isn't working, even after erasing the hard drive. It's her third Toshiba laptop and they've all had problems. I keep telling her to get away from Toshiba and get a Dell desktop like me- they're like Hondas, never require maintenance. But she seems to like the dynamic of random computer problems- she's stickin with Toshiba through thick and thin, even after three deadbeats. Come to think of it, I'm her third husband, and the other two were losers... nevermind, I love Toshiba! Toshiba's just fine!



"Oh, ok," computer woman continues. "I'm going to need you to look for the modem and tell me what kind it is... when you're ready, say continue."



I was looking right at the modem. "Continue."



"I'm sorry, there are only two answers you can say right now-"



"Continue!"



"(Long pause) Ok, the modem is a small either white or black box, located either on your floor, or on the desk-"



I've already hit zero for operator twice. The first time, the computer woman gives me a fake ringing sound, pretending she's checking to see if someone was available, but I know what she's doing - it's called 'giving customers the artificial runaround' or just 'artificial lying'.

"Sorry," she says, "all operators are still busy." Surprise! "Let's keep going, and when I connect you, I'll let customer service know everything we do."



I'm glad you can't get sent to anger management for yelling at computer voices and muzak. Not YET that is. Wait until computer women get their rights. They'll probably get them from computer judges. But I feel unheard here. She doesn't get what I'm yelling. I think they should teach the computer woman to recognize words like **** and **** and ***** so she can tell my customer service representative about it whenever she connects me to him, like next Saturday. By then, I'll feel bad, though, and try to ask the computer woman's forgiveness.



"I'm sorry," says computer woman. "We're experiencing unusually high call volumes today." An then in a gushing voice, "Thanks for waiting! We'll connect you to a customer service representative as soon as possible."

Oh, well that makes it all ok, doesn't it?



I wonder how many angry unshaven guys drive their little trucks over to Cox Communications, brandishing useless computer parts as weapons, looking for infuriating computer women. I bet they hope they find her so they can bash her to bits and then say, "Oh, I'm sorry! I'm experiencing UNUSUALLY HIGH ANGER VOLUMES TODAY!" Now I understand why Cox's campus is surrounded by a 10 foot iron fence and has a guard shack at the entrance. "Listen, trainee," says the veteran guard, "we take down the angry ones." He hits his palm with the nightstick. "Even sorta angry ones... Got it?"



Good thing I can daydream like this while I'm on the phone with them. If I had to talk to a real person right now, I'd have to focus, and that could be difficult for me. I appreciate how easy an experience they're making this for me. All I have to do is sit here... I've been on the phone so long, I forget which company I've called, and why I'm on the phone. I think the muzak is sinking in.



"I'm sorry, we're experiencing unusually high stupidity levels today."

Oh, that's nice!



I sit waiting for the next message, listening to the completely unidentifiable muzak. I wonder if you can get that stuff on CD. What's up with the muzak industry anyway? How come we never hear about it? What about the scandalous lives of muzak-cians? I just don't think you can play muzak versions of rock n roll and rap without the rebelliousness and gangsta lifestyle rubbing off on you. And how much bling bling do muzak-cians have? Rock stars date movie stars. Who do date muzakcians date? And is there a history of muzak book? That would be fascinating. Well, maybe not, but it would definitely be pleasant.



"I'm sorry, we're experiencing unusually high numbers of employees outside smoking today. Thanks for waiting."



I'm speechless now, trying to think of the word for how I feel - which smiley face is me today? I think it must be RAGE. Or it would be if I didn't have this beautiful muzak to listen to. I think it used to be Public Enemy, or maybe Eminem, but now it's just... pleasant.



When I finally talked to a non-computer person, which was actually pretty fast considering the picture my computer woman had painted, I learned you can get past the computer by not cooperating with the computer woman. I had forgotten the last time I'd called, I'd done that by acting retarded. If she can't understand you, she happily forwards you to a non-computer person. Poor computer woman. I'd really hate to put her out of work.



***Oh, and if you’re not sure I’m telling you the truth about Cox’s beautiful automated system, either try it out yourself at 800-221-4188, or check out their online version of the RUNAROUND online. Go to http://www.cox.com/support/sandiego/techsupport.asp, and just try to find a phone number.

Lance Armstrong Bracelet

"Why is everyone wearing those yellow bracelets?" growled Michael Savage from my car radio.

Fortunately, I already knew it was a lance armstrong bracelet. Someone had worn one to my Toastmasters of La Jolla meeting a week or two before.

I knew it was a program to benefit cancer patients. You can buy your own Lance Armstrong bracelet for just a dollar, you wear it around, and obviously people will notice, get interested and hopefully buy one, too.

So far, the Lance Armstrong Foundation has sold about 13 million of these yellow Lance Armstrong bracelets. Actually, right now you have to order at least 10 bracelets on the internet, but you can sell/distribute them to your friends and coworkers.

Bigger companies and organizations might consider buying 100 or 1000 Lance Armstrong bracelets for employees and volunteers.

Unless you've been living under a rock, you know who Lance Armstrong (http://www.lancearmstrong.com/) is, and at least part of his story. In a nutshell, he was a great cyclist who beat cancer that had spread all over his body, then came back to win the biggest race in his sport six years in a row.

He started his foundation during cancer treatment. Nike has been helping him promote the yellow Lance Armstrong bracelets, but it's the generosity of regular folks like you that will save lives.

You can buy your own bracelets here: http://www.laf-store.org/

Swami Sri Yogurt-n-Anda’s Triple Happiness Raisin Secret

September 25, 2004

"Swami Sri Yogurt-n-Anda’s Triple Happiness Raisin Secret"

Hail, peaceful followers of the infinite pool gathering! I, disciple Ten Vidi come to you with a message of hope and tranquility, special for you, prepared by the meditations and incense of the most holy monks of St. Rama Llama Ding Dong.

Our most holy swami Yogurt-n-anda has spent the last twelve years meditating on raisins, and has come to understand a basic truth about dietary purity and how best to prepare your digestive system to convey you quicker to ultimate enlightenment.

The following is my humble translation of his truth writings, taken directly from the vellum scroll on which he inscribed it. I pray for your patience in reading my translation as I am a simple white man who the holy monks lowered themselves to accept- I am a native English speaker and have been forced to learn Hindi and Sanskrit from scraps of paper, thrown out MacDonald’s bags, and the cheap American romance novels (translated into Hindi) that the monks here read. I begged them for the money to take a correspondence course on Sanskrit, but they beat me with big sticks, locked me in the basement, and laughed for three days straight. That’s when I learned my first big spiritual lesson: never ask monks for money. Nonetheless, in college I was forced to read James Joyce and Allen Ginsberg, so I had a lot of experience making sense of nonsense, which is why I was able to learn Sanskrit and Hindi by myself. But occasionally I wonder if my translations are correct. Boy it’s a good thing these monks can’t read English, or I’d probably be in the basement again! Well I better get to it before they decide I’m taking too long. Here are the words of the great, holy, humble, enlightened swami sri yogurt-n-anda:

Greetings earth people and shame on you for being eaters of the foul fowl, the stupid cow, the dirty pig. I love you so much, the universe loves me so and I am the universe so I love you. You have befouled your innards with the meat of idiot animals. I have found a new way, a better way, given to me by the loving universe. I have had much time to consider the finest fruit ever to manifest in this plane of reality, the raisin. As you know, all is energy, down to the deepest subatomic level- the electron, the proton, even the quark are very very tiny expressions of love. And on a bigger level, for us on this planet earth, the sun is the biggest energy, the greatest love we know. It loves one half of the earth all day long, loving the soil, the worms, the plants, the trees, the fish and birds, and even us human bags of bones. And as you know, the raisin could not be without the sun. Not only does the sun go into the growing of the grape, but it goes in again when the grape dries into a raisin. So it contains double the energy and love of other food sources, which only grow once. And if you eat animals, you are eating second-hand love. The raisin is not only first-hand, it is double love, double happiness. So now that you know the truth, let me caution you about this crazy Atkins diet fad I hear so many of you are following. First you must know that protein can be ok, if it is first-hand vegetable love protein, but not the idiot animal protein. But there is a bigger issue for you to consider. Not only is the raisin double the love of other foods, but it has the power of carb within it, one of the only natural ways to defeat karma. You know the old saying, a carb a day keeps the karma away? It’s a famous village saying in the north of Pakistan, or it was before Ghandi. Everything is crazy now since that guy came. But the raisin gives me clarity, and when I put it in my mouth, I smile. That’s all I need to know- the smile test. More than that, I find that I can do more yoga if all I eat is raisins, and more yoga means more access to universal truth, and more happiness, so that means raisins are triple happiness. But about this Atkins- if you say it really fast over and over, it sounds like “I Can’t” which is a very negative thing to think, and if you have this negative mantra in your head even subconsciously while you eat idiot animals, you are what you eat and your mind will be like a cow’s, and I wouldn’t be surprised if your whole life went straight to hell in a handbasket. But don’t worry- if you’ve fallen into this Atkins I Can’t thing, you can get out of the downward spiral with fasting and colon cleansing. Several of the monks here used to be “I Can’ts” and they felt much better after 6 months of fasting and colon cleansing. They went on a very special fast that the raisins taught me. All they ate was cheezits and they drank a lot of green tea. Plus all the colon cleanses were done with Starbuck’s Sumatra coffee - and let me tell you that is the only place in your body fit for Sumatra coffee - and they were totally different guys after that. They lost about 20 lbs and forgot their names, which was ok because we give all the monks new names here. So then we taught new devotees the history of raisins, which we’ve had in the East a lot longer than you have. California raisins, you make me laugh! Your foolish crusading knights stole our raisins in the 11th century but they didn’t take with them the wisdom of raisins. They continued to eat all manner of idiot meat and considered raisins a mere snack. That’s like eating dung and desserting on strawberries! Like mostly watching reality TV and only occasionally going to the Pulse of Oriental Medicine website! Insane! Anyway, the devotees were fascinated to find out how to make and store and chop raisins, and good thing too, because our previous raisin-preparing monks had run away from the monastery to live closer to the MacDonald’s in New Delhi, so our new devotees had nothing to do but make and store and chop raisins all day long, and that’s what they’ve been doing for months now. Anyway, in summary, raisins are triple happiness, catalyze enlightenment, and keep you really darned regular, so eat more of them, give up everything else, and we need some new raisin racks and a lot more napkins, so send us some money here at the Sun Dried Swami Monastery, c/o Sony India Pvt Ltd, Nagpur, India.

Swami Yogurt-n-Anda’s Raisin Constipation Pose

There you have it, a pure translation of super ecstatic truth from a living master. Just translating these words makes me feel closer to the source of all love and energy and truth. I hope you have appreciated our monthly newsletter update from the monastery. I look forward to writing you again, and if you want, please feel free to write us here. I get pretty lonely because most of the other monks don’t speak English, and they never let me watch TV with them. But please, don’t send anymore livestock, at least not in boxes. Someone sent us what I think was at one time a rooster before the Indian postal service and the summer heat got to it. And I couldn’t eat any raisins for days after that. But if you have anything for diarrhea, I’d really appreciate it. I think it’s all the raisins. Well, anyway, peace and blessings, and keep your face toward the sun!

Yours, Ten Vidi, least of all monks, Sun Dried Swami Monastery.

Behold, the Coming of the Anti Atkins

Some say the book of revelation is closed, that God no longer speaks to his children with prophetic visions of the future. But just the other morning at the breakfast table, I was seized with a true apocalyptic dream and I am compelled to share it with you.

It concerns a time in the near distant future when obesity is rampant, and a small but devout group of skinny faithful adherents to the Lord Atkins will suffer all manner of insult and social exclusion for the glory of the one true food component, protein. Oh yes, and even then, many will rise up to claim that they also believe in protein, but some of these will be false prophets who teach convincing near similitudes, yet they will harbor the spirit of the Anti-Atkins, the one who is yet to come.

Yes, though for a time the masses will side with the followers of Atkins, eschewing the chewing of carbohydrates, refusing free bread with meals, single-handedly attempting to destroy the stock portfolios of those who invest in Krispy Kreme; though they will seem to be with us, they will leave us because of the power of carb. The power of carb is deep within us all, and they will be powerless to resist it.

They will find themselves eating all manner of sweets late at night, especially those things which come in transparent plastic that makes lots of noise – Ho Ho’s, Twinkies, and the like. These weak carb-lovers will plead for forgiveness and mercy and claim to be simply ‘carbal Atkinists’. But they seek only to spread the same confusion that fills their soggy, crème-filled minds. They will secretly eat two bowls of Frosted Flakes, because one is not enough. They will read books about candy and try all manner of obscure candies with the urgent certainty that these candies will soon be unavailable and they must try them and enjoy them now before that happens.

Yes, but these Carbal-minded people only presage the coming of the Anti-Atkins, a menace of far greater horror. The power of the carb will turn the hearts of those who had believed in protein against the Atkinists. As they munch their donuts and sip too-heavily-sugared coffee, they will murmur their common resentments against the protein loving, athletic-wear-wearing, often sweaty, very skinny, too happy Atkinists.

As time goes on, they will organize with insulin-dependent lawyers, sitting in conference rooms drinking sweet tea and slurping Twinkie crème through straws, devising ways to destroy the Atkinists. They will establish that eating your favorite food component – namely carbohydrates – is a first amendment right. Free expression implies free consumption. They will find children, disabled, and elderly people to champion their causes, claiming these people have been emotionally traumatized and unfairly discriminated against by Atkinists. They will file motions to have Atkins books removed from bookstores and libraries. They will sue schools for requiring that overweight children do as much exercise as skinny children. After all, should a child who becomes obese through expressing his free consumption rights have to suffer just because another child prefers protein? After a few more years, we’ll see the first case of child abuse filed on the basis of not giving the child as much sugar and carbohydrates as they want.

About this time, the Anti-Atkins will arise. He will consolidate this carb backlash. He will write books and become a loved and respected prophet amongst the people. Science will be divided over the issue. The insurance industry will become silent for fear of being sued for discriminating against obese people. The Anti-Atkins will be hugely obese, but in a happy friendly way. He will also have a smile, a joke, or a wise comment for his fans. He will be the only guest on Oprah for 6 weeks straight.

This was the end of my vision. I became aware of myself at the breakfast table, looking out at my backyard, my face drenched in perspiration, shaking with palpable fear, and to my horror, I realized I was holding a spoon, and there was an empty bowl of Frosted Flakes in front of me.

Noise Control and Noise Cancelling Headphones

Noise!

I love peace and quiet. When I was at college in Ohio, I used to wander for hours in the forests, just being, just looking, just listening to natural sounds. I hate noise. I’m a sensitive guy. I’ve always been that way. From a very young age, our family was divided by this – by Dad and my sister made loud eating noises at the dinner table. My mom and I couldn’t stand it. Our complaints did no good- my sister thought we were crazy.



I just don’t understand it. Some people are way over the top. They open their mouths wide with every bite. You can see their food. You can hear them “mmmah,mmmah,mmmah,” – You know why it’s so annoying? I just can’t ignore it. I can’t help but stare. I don’t understand how you can end up like that. Who taught you that? How can you not be embarrassed by that? It’s disgusting. I can’t explain why- I don’t know why I hate it. But I feel like your mouth is right in my ear. Like you’re chewing inside my ear.



It’s the same with kids who slurp on the end of a drink that’s already empty- that empty drink sound. That sound means STOP! I made my wife stop eating crunchy foods. She loves that stuff. She even puts crunchy stuff in her ice cream. No hard candies, no chips, no pretzels. Unnh uh. I love her, but she’s got to stop.



It’s like the cell phone people- the ones who sit in a class or the movie theatre while the thing rings 5 times before going to voicemail. You look at them and they have no clue. They really have no clue. Or they’ll pick it up and start talking before they’ve left the room. And it’s creeping. It used to be people wouldn’t let a phone even ring during a meeting or class or movie. Then they’d let it ring but not say hello until they were through the door (though they didn’t wait til the door closed)- and now they’ll sit there during a movie and have a conversation with someone on the phone! Creeping selfishness! It’s getting worse.



Noise pollution is the most invasive kind. You can get a water filter, or have pure water delivered. You can buy an air filter or wear a mask or move to places without smog. You can even combat smells by putting some strong smelling oil under your nose. But noise goes through walls. Earplugs only work so much and deprive you of an irreplaceable sensory ability. Sometimes I’ve had to put earplugs in, put noise-cancelling headphones over them, then listen to music through them to tune it all out. Loud bass vibrates into your bones. It’s inescapable.

But just as inexplicably, sometimes I’m ok with the noise. Sometimes I think the kid slurping on the empty drink is cute. I never think the open mouthed chew is cute. But I can even get into someone else’s loud music- I can relate to the humanity and enjoyment and fun of making noise. But I can’t control the noise sensitivity.



I work from home mostly. That used to seem romantic- be your own boss, schedule your own time, no annoying coworkers, etc. One nice things about working in an office I forgot about was quiet. Most of the offices I’ve been in are calm. No big bass stereo acura’s driving past your window, no flocks of birds screaming from the nearby tree, no neighbor jack hammering his sidewalk or pounding away at a new addition. You can almost fall asleep in an office – no, I have fallen asleep in an office. Not at home during the day. For some reason, half the kids in the neighborhood don’t go to school, so it’s like a baseball training camp around here and I spend half my day throwing balls back over the fence to irresistibly cute kids, and the guy at the end of the cul-de-sac’s life mission is to perfect the mechanics of his mini scooter, the one he tests by driving back and forth in front of my house. My only comfort is in knowing how ridiculous a grown man looks on a one and a half foot tall scooter. If you call that comfort. Mostly I shake my head and feel baffled.



Oh, and birds- I’ve been at war with the birds for about three years. It started in Clairemont in the height of summer. Noise is always the worst in the summer- despite the relatively monolithic seasons of San Diego, it still gets hotter, the days longer, people more active and louder- it’s harder to sleep at night, even with air conditioning, and in Clairemont we only had fans. That means the windows have to be open, and that means that if a rogue tropical insomniac parrot who got lost while migrating because he’s retarded decides to roost in your neighborhood, you’re not going to sleep. Oh, it’s fascinating how many beautiful calls this parrot knows, and how randomly he can switch from one to another, and how loud he is even two blocks away- it’s so fascinating that I wanted to get a closer look at him- through the telescope of a sniper rifle! But I didn’t own a gun, not even a BB gun, and didn’t want to kill it, so I got cozy with some earplugs and covered my head with two pillows and finally got some sleep. But I did go out a few nights and throw rocks at the tree it was in. Eventually, mercifully, it moved on. I’ve used fans for white noise, but if the fan has a noticeable cycle, my brain finds it and can’t listen to anything else (imitate with voice)- and if two fans are going, they may cycle over one another (imitate with hands and voice)



(Oh it can’t be that bad - You don’t understand!) Now, at our current house in Santee, the avian terrorists are blue jays- the meanest birds- I know, I once saw a blue jay stalk, attack, and eat a smaller bird. They’re mean. They’re nasty. They’re evil. They even figured out that I didn’t like them. Not sure how- maybe it was the fact that I threw rocks at them all the time. Hmmm. But instead of moving on, they decided it was some kind of game. They came back and chirped some more, trying to get me to come outside. They knew I’d probably miss them with the rock- they thought it was funny. So I had to ignore them. Not give them the pleasure of controlling me. See what I have to deal with?



I looked into subsonic bird-repelling machines, but they were $300-500, and I wasn’t ready to spend that much on it. I bought a slingshot, but I couldn’t hit anything with it, and I didn’t practice. Even more frustrating. I don’t even hate all birds- birds in the wild make nice sounds. But birds who feel their territory is being violated make horrible sounds to try to get you to leave. Never mind the fact that they’re the ones who built their nest in my house! I’m the one who’s supposed to get out.



When we lived in Normal Heights (normal, yeah right)- we had a lot of idiot drivers going by with their loud bass thumping- totally inconsiderate. It could be the most amazing song a human being ever recorded – to YOU – but to me it’s just Da DA…… Da DA….. Try thinking an original thought with that going on. You have to be an idiot not to realize that everyone within three blocks can hear your bass signal- the bass sound wave has long wavelength and penetrates almost anything. So, either you’re brain dead, or you just don’t care about anyone but yourself- selfish, or stupid. Not much I could do about them. I considered buying a paintball gun and shooting their windshields, but I figured either they’d wreck the car and I’d have to pay, or they’d have a real gun, and I’d get shot. So, nothing I could do about it – I think when you call the police to complain about noise and they say they’ll send a cruiser to check it out, they prioritize it somewhere below getting catching up on their monthly paperwork. And unpredictable, too. Not only would they drive by whenever, but sometimes they’d pull up at a nearby house and sit there for 10 minutes. I had to go outside once and calmly request that they turn down their radio since I was working for a living about 50 feet away. “Oh, yeah, sorry,” he said. How can you live in your own world like that while surrounded by so many people? I don’t understand it, because like I said, I’m a sensitive guy.



Because I know how painful it is to be taken hostage by other people’s sounds, I do everything I can to avoid becoming the victimizer. No matter how into a song I am when I pull up to a stoplight, I turn my music down. In general, adjust the bass level to be as low as possible so that I can still hear it enough to enjoy it, but so I’m not spilling extra bass into the surroundings.

And I have an idea for an invention for cars- see, the exterior of my car will detect if the car next to me is playing their stereo too loud, and then it will respond accordingly. You know those noise-cancelling headphones? They hear what’s going on around, then emit a soundwave that’s the reverse of the surroundings, effectively canceling the signal and producing silence. My car will detect the sounds from your car, and broadcast the opposite signal to silence your stereo. Not only that, it will also punish you with the kind of music you hate. This is pretty easy to do. If you’re playing rap, we’ll play you country. If you’re playing country, we’ll send you some really loud classical music. Most classical music lovers don’t blast their music, but if they do, we’ll give them some rap. And if you blast any top 40 music, we’ll blast a lecture on organic chemistry.



I know, real peace comes from within, and if I were peaceful inside, I wouldn’t mind these sounds, I’d embrace them and identify with the humanity of them- I don’t really believe we can just become peaceful amidst all this noise pollution. I cannot become the change I want to see because I cannot become silent. In fact, I think I need to yell about all this noise! I think we’ve lost some of our humanity- buried under all this noise and distraction somewhere is a purity and ease, relaxation, tranquility- if you’ve ever gone on vacation long enough in a peaceful enough place to feel generally blissful, ok, at ease, not having worried thoughts, not angry, just content- you know what I mean. It’s like taking a long refreshing bath in silence. You have to wrap it around you and sleep in it. You have to relax into it.

An Alternate, Humorous Version of the Bio in my Book

Brian Benjamin Carter rambles and tries to be funny on his website, occasionally remembering he's supposed to be helping regular folks improve their lives. More than 400,000 people worldwide have accidentally clicked onto PulseMed.org, an amazing free resource of articles designed and almost entirely written by this 31 year old prodigy. Brian has talked to writers at Real Simple, Glamour, and ESPN magazines who usually ignore him, but one of whom actually quoted him. He teaches (if you call 'cracking jokes and playing James Brown when students get bored' teaching) at the Pacific College of Oriental Medicine, and lives with his wife (only because he hypnotized her into believing he's witty, brilliant, and a few other things) Lynda Harvey-Carter, and their two gray tabbies (who mostly sleep and meow but are pretty darn cute) in stunningly beautifu San Diego, California, for which you should envy him. This is his first book and, fortunately for you, probably not his last.

Top 10 Ways to Live Life More Dangerously

Tonight our Toastmasters of La Jolla theme is Adrenaline, which as you may know, is the chemical responsible for our “fight or flight” response – whether it’s a bear chasing you, or a close call on the freeway, you get excited and scared – your body prepares to fight or run.



In keeping with our theme, we have:



The Top Ten ways to live life more dangerously





10. Always smoke while refueling your car. Also, keep it running the whole time, and bring slippers and a piece of carpet to generate static electricity with. If anyone says anything, flip them ‘the bird’.



9. Whenever you see a big jacked up truck, accelerate past them, cut them off and then flip them ‘the bird’.



8. When driving beside a highway patrol car, wait until they’re exiting the freeway, wave to them, then flip them ‘the bird’.



7. Go to an amusement park and ride the fastest scariest rollercoaster in the park as many times as it takes to barf on the people behind you. When you exit the ride, point at them, and laugh. Then flip them the bird, and run!



6. If you park your car and other people are sitting in the next car, bump their door loudly with yours, then walk away as if nothing had happened. If they say anything... you know what to do.



5. While grocery shopping, eat food that you haven’t bought yet, then eat the wrapper so they can’t scan the bar code. If the grocery checker says anything, tell them to ‘scan this’.



4. Find the biggest guy in the gym and ask him why he’s such a small girlie man. Did he just start working out?



3. Women: Dress revealingly, then interrupt any conversation between a man and woman. Ignore the woman and ask the man a question, and listen to his answer as if he’s the most fascinating and sexy man on the planet. Ask him how such a fascinating man could be standing here all alone.



2. Men: Wait until that that special woman in your life is PMS’ing, and then: point out all the things about her that have been bothering you lately.



And the number one way to live life more dangerously…



1. Ask your significant other how their day was, and when they start talking, turn away and start doing something else.

Top 10 Ways to Mess Up Your Emotions

Here's the President's top ten list from August 31st. Did you miss the meeting? The theme of the Aug 31 meeting of Toastmasters of La Jolla was 'Efficiency'.



It's hard to be efficient if your emotions are all messed up, so here's a list of things NOT to do (this is an excerpt from my new book on body-mind medicine)



Brian Carter's Top Ten Ways to Mess Up Your Emotions



10. Work until you collapse. Repeat.



9. Alternate option: Drink until you pass out every day. Come to. Repeat.



8. Don't exercise. Ever. Even if someone points a gun at your head.



7. Ignore your body, appetite, and sleep. Substitute caffeine and sugar.



6. Fantasize about the future while doing nothing.



5. Stubbornly hang on to vague goals of huge magnitude.



4. Decide you don't have enough time to improve yourself. Then go watch some TV.



3. If all else fails, worry as much as possible about loved ones. It shows you really care.



2. Occasionally take breaks from self-absorption to envy and resent everyone else.



And the number one way to mess up your emotions is...



1. Focus on what you don't have. Once you get it, don't let that faze you: put it away and focus on something else you don't have.

The Top 10 Advantages of Being a Loser

Here's the President's top ten list from August 23rd. Did you miss it?



The theme of the Aug 23 meeting of Toastmasters of La Jolla was the Humorous Speech Contest, and the Tabletopics Contest. As usual, I made a sharp lefthand turn and spun the topic. The focus was on competing and winning, so I thought I'd make the losers feel more comfortable.



Losing has gotten a bad rap. There are some really good benefits to losing. Here are...



The Top Ten Advantages of Being a Loser



10. Plenty of time to discover how many different shapes you make with a paper clip



9. More time with opposite sex means your loser genes are more likely to dominate the gene pool



8. Easier to keep relationships because girls that like losers have lower standards



7 . Mobile home parks are filled with your kind, and they're cheap!



6. If the Democrats win in 2004, all losers will receive a $90,000 tax credit.



5. If you lose dramatically on TV, you can get more airtime than the winner



4. TV is always looking for a guy whose broken leg pokes through his skin, or a driver whose car flips 12 times and then blows up



3. Losers always outnumber winners, so you can all jump the winner and beat him up



2. Sometimes losers win out of sheer luck and that really pisses off the winners



And the number one advantage of being a loser is...



1. No demanding training schedules means more time to watch Seinfeld reruns

Top 10 Dumbest Quotes Ever

Tonite’s Toastmasters of La Jolla theme is “Traveling Through Space and Time,” and as I thought about astronauts, cosmonauts, and whatnauts, I remembered there is another kind of space, INNER space – and some of us have more inner space than others- e.g. blondes, jocks, etc. and we are often called “Space Cadets.”



So tonight’s top ten list is a bunch of quotes that come from some of our most famous Space Cadets – here are my top ten dumbest quotes ever:



10. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

- Dan Quayle



9. "I was dramatically shaped by my grandmother and my aunts because they convinced me there was always a cookie available. Deep down inside I'm four years old, and I wake up and think out there, there's a cookie. Every morning I'm going, you know, either it can be baked or it's already been bought, but it's in a jar . . . somewhere. . . ."

— Newt Gingrich, 1994



8. "My vision is to make the most diverse state on earth, and we have people from every planet on the earth in this state. We have the sons and daughters of every, of people from every planet, of every country on earth."

— Former California Gov. Gray Davis, during the recall campaign



7. "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

- a North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to his Coach why he appeared nervous at practice, 1982



6. "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had been to the Parthenon during his visit to Greece



5. "Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win."

- Basketball announcer Doug Collins



4. "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann



3. "I'm a 4-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife."

-Baseball player Mike Greenwell



2. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."

- Jason Kidd, Point Guard, New Jersey Nets



And the number one dumbest quote ever is…



“I love being a star because I get to travel overseas to places like Canada.”

-Britney Spears

Top 10 Signs Your Outdoors Toastmasters Meeting Isn't Working Out

(I'm the president of my club, Toastmasters of La Jolla, and I kick off every meeting. In the summer, we have a meeting or two at the beautiful La Jolla Cove.)



Last week, I introduced a fixture to my Presidential comments, the top ten list. In the spirit of tonight’s theme, The Dog Days of Summer, here are the top ten signs that your outdoor Toastmasters meeting isn’t working out:



10. Bored members hanging around the free wine table long before the break.



9. Several of the guests keep looking around to make sure no one’s taking their shopping carts.



8. Instead of wine, your club serves 40 oz.’ers.



7. Audience members keep getting hit in head with Frisbees.



6. Your toastmaster’s theme is Lynyrd Skynyrd, and their CD player is infinitely repeating “Free Bird.”



5. The General Evaluator, dressed in a kilt, spends his entire two and a half minutes saying the club is filled with girlie-men.



4. Half the membership gets lost looking for the “meeting at the cave”



3. Your president shows up wearing only a thong.



2. The partisanship sweeping the nation overcomes your club as angry members throw salsa and squirt shaken-up beers at one another.



And the number one side that your outdoors Toastmasters meeting isn’t working out…



No one is sober enough to participate in table topics.

Ex-Nerd Finally Finds Sports Love

Fact is, growing up I was a nerd, a geek, a four-eyes. I wouldn't say I wasn't physical, but I was short. I was good at math and other school subjects, so I got stereotyped.



Despite enjoying peewee baseball (where the ball was pitched by a machine), I took my leave when other kids my age started throwing the ball across the plate. It seemed to me they threw it with more speed than accuracy, and getting to play didn't outweight being hit. I tried soccer, too, but no one filled me in on the basics, and I was competing against kids who'd been playing for years. I didn't understand, and didn't enjoy it.



In elementary school, I wasn't one of the stars of kickball - I could occasionally kick for a "home run," but not consistently. In fact, my most memorable kickball moment was getting accidentally kicked in the jewels by a girl while waiting in line to kick.



I ran track for 2 years - I loved the 100 yard dash and the long jump. I tried the high jump, but couldn't get high enough for myself. Eventually, I'd had enough fun and moved on. I wasn't devoted to this one either. I loved handball, played with one of the big red kickballs - I played that almost every day, and was one of the best. I also loved a game called "prisoner bombardment," which was like a huge group dodgeball game - one team on each side of a basketball court, with four or six kickballs, the goal was to hit players on the opposite team, and then they had to go to your prison, in your backcourt - their teammates could "spring" them if they could throw a ball over to them, but if a competitor caught the ball, they also had to become a prisoner. They didn't play handball or prison bombardment in high school, though.



I never really tried basketball, though I did enjoy shooting baskets with my Dad in the driveway at home. I didn't even think of going out for football.



Even though there were sports I enjoyed, none of them were big, and I wasn't a sports kind of guy. I never "lettered" in any sport. I was on the tennis team for a year, but I had trouble with losing. I felt too 'on-the-spot', and took it too personally. It was hard not to be the best. Since I never devoted myself to any sport, I always was behind kids who had been practicing one for years.



The most I did in my Bachelor's degree was hike. I did a fair amount of that and enjoyed it. But I wasn't getting aerobic exercise.



I didn't find my true sports love until I was 28 years old. It was rock climbing. That is a story in itself, but the main thing I want to say is that finding my sport has changed my entire personality. I cut my long hair off. I am comfortable being physical. I understand aspects of being a man that I hadn't experience before. I suddenly got into college and NBA basketball after a lifetime of refusing to be a spectator of any sport. I suppose now that I had mine, I felt confident and secure enough to watch others have theirs. It no longer threatened my value, or my manhood.



Now I can watch all kinds of sports, and the benefit of that is getting to see the best examples of team activity and coaching. How to win and how to lose. How to work together. How to persist. How to have a goal and go after it no matter what.

Myths about Western Medicine

Myths about Western Conventional Allopathic Medicine

1. Everything MD’s do in practice is based on research
2. Everything MD’s do in practice is what other MD’s do in practice
3. All good research is put into practice by MD’s within a year or two
4. Insurance is good
5. Side effects are a necessary part of effective medicine
6. MD’s are the only people qualified to understand and critique medical research
7. MD’s are so smart and well educated that they can practice acupuncture or recommend herbs without further training
8. Western medicine is the best at all forms of emergency medicine