Some say the book of revelation is closed, that God no longer speaks to his children with prophetic visions of the future. But just the other morning at the breakfast table, I was seized with a true apocalyptic dream and I am compelled to share it with you.
It concerns a time in the near distant future when obesity is rampant, and a small but devout group of skinny faithful adherents to the Lord Atkins will suffer all manner of insult and social exclusion for the glory of the one true food component, protein. Oh yes, and even then, many will rise up to claim that they also believe in protein, but some of these will be false prophets who teach convincing near similitudes, yet they will harbor the spirit of the Anti-Atkins, the one who is yet to come.
Yes, though for a time the masses will side with the followers of Atkins, eschewing the chewing of carbohydrates, refusing free bread with meals, single-handedly attempting to destroy the stock portfolios of those who invest in Krispy Kreme; though they will seem to be with us, they will leave us because of the power of carb. The power of carb is deep within us all, and they will be powerless to resist it.
They will find themselves eating all manner of sweets late at night, especially those things which come in transparent plastic that makes lots of noise – Ho Ho’s, Twinkies, and the like. These weak carb-lovers will plead for forgiveness and mercy and claim to be simply ‘carbal Atkinists’. But they seek only to spread the same confusion that fills their soggy, crème-filled minds. They will secretly eat two bowls of Frosted Flakes, because one is not enough. They will read books about candy and try all manner of obscure candies with the urgent certainty that these candies will soon be unavailable and they must try them and enjoy them now before that happens.
Yes, but these Carbal-minded people only presage the coming of the Anti-Atkins, a menace of far greater horror. The power of the carb will turn the hearts of those who had believed in protein against the Atkinists. As they munch their donuts and sip too-heavily-sugared coffee, they will murmur their common resentments against the protein loving, athletic-wear-wearing, often sweaty, very skinny, too happy Atkinists.
As time goes on, they will organize with insulin-dependent lawyers, sitting in conference rooms drinking sweet tea and slurping Twinkie crème through straws, devising ways to destroy the Atkinists. They will establish that eating your favorite food component – namely carbohydrates – is a first amendment right. Free expression implies free consumption. They will find children, disabled, and elderly people to champion their causes, claiming these people have been emotionally traumatized and unfairly discriminated against by Atkinists. They will file motions to have Atkins books removed from bookstores and libraries. They will sue schools for requiring that overweight children do as much exercise as skinny children. After all, should a child who becomes obese through expressing his free consumption rights have to suffer just because another child prefers protein? After a few more years, we’ll see the first case of child abuse filed on the basis of not giving the child as much sugar and carbohydrates as they want.
About this time, the Anti-Atkins will arise. He will consolidate this carb backlash. He will write books and become a loved and respected prophet amongst the people. Science will be divided over the issue. The insurance industry will become silent for fear of being sued for discriminating against obese people. The Anti-Atkins will be hugely obese, but in a happy friendly way. He will also have a smile, a joke, or a wise comment for his fans. He will be the only guest on Oprah for 6 weeks straight.
This was the end of my vision. I became aware of myself at the breakfast table, looking out at my backyard, my face drenched in perspiration, shaking with palpable fear, and to my horror, I realized I was holding a spoon, and there was an empty bowl of Frosted Flakes in front of me.
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