Despair Demotivators

Have you seen these? First found these a few years back and forgot about them, but they sent us a Christmas catalog. They're take offs on the motivational posters... some of them are absolutely hilarious. Here are some of my favorites.

CONSULTING- it's funny to laugh at now that I'm not a consultant anymore. :-)

DEFEAT: For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are, you're one of them.

That's really true!

DYSFUNCTION: The only consistent feature of all your dissatisfying relationships is you.

GET TO WORK: You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.

Joshua Tree Climbing What What What

As Lauren von Hikenblogger gracefully ascends Moosedog Tower, Gorillaz surround the belay party and Arthur adds his whiteboy rap stylings.

Rock Climbing, Climb Smart 2006

It's funny I've never blogged on rock climbing- I've put some of my photos on rockclimbing.com, but never blogged about it.

I'm really a boulderer at heart, I've discovered- I'd prefer to do risky new moves 10 feet off the ground than an easy 5.8 climb 200 feet off the ground. But I'm just getting back into it after a while, so I'll get more adventurous soon, I 'spect.

A group of us (mountaineer friends) went to Climb Smart this last wknd, and it was quite an experience all the way around.

Somewhere in here we have to have Timmy O'Neill, because he's such a cool freak and made the wknd a lot more fun than it would have been without him.

He did a lot of the emcee'ing at the Saturday night event... I wish I had taken pictures, because he came out through the fogger, strobe lights and heavy-beat dance music in his Halloween costume, an irish green superman complete with cape and tighty-whitey undies carrying a bucket full of free ice cold beers that he handed out while doing the Mick Jagger head thing to the music. And his new hair style is longer, and half of it sticks out at a defiant 45 degree angle.

He intro'd a Reel Rock film he was in, "First Ascent"- it was awesome- thrilling, touching, cool, great film-making. And he did the raffle too, in a stimulating rapid-fire manner that entertained most, but irritated one guy (who got irritated at other things that wknd- takes all kinds).


Enough about Timmy already. Except he also taught us some cool stuff in the bouldering class- how to smear on the "quartz manzanite dude"- maybe he didn't say dude, but that's how it sounded- "This is quartz manzanite, dude! It grips yours shoes."

Anyhow, my friend Arthur and I met up with Lauren and Adam and (his girlfriend) Julie. They're new to climbing (you can see info about their first bouldering and rappelling at Lauren's blog) and so the clinics etc. were going to be great for them. It helped all of us- Arthur and I got advanced tips on technique and anchoring (trad climbing) and the others got some good beginning info. We capped it off by climbing up to the first rappel station on Moosedog Tower.

A few other standouts I should mention are:

Saturday night's dinner: The refried beans tasted like they'd been cooked in an ashtray and the rice water supersoft and tasteless, but the catered enchiladas were ok (though we had no way to cut them) and the guacamole made up for it, a little. I found out today there had been ice cream and brownies they forgot to bring out! Hey man!

The 1 billion names of Lauren: Arthur and I for some reason had a total blast giving Lauren funny new names. It started when I saw that his cell phone name for her was Lauren von Hiker. Her real last name is Hogerheiden, so it's a german thing I guess. Anyhow, some of the better ones were:

• Lauren von Hikenberger (or 'von Hikenberger' or 'Hikenberger' for short)
• Lauren vince vaughn Hikenberger
• Laurence Olivier von Heikenbrenner
• Lauren von vacob vinglehiker schmidt (actually I finished that one here- it was a tongue twister)
• Lauren von Hikenstrudel (I just made that one up too. You get the gist.)

Ah, and the campfire guitar playing of me and Andy (some guy I'd never met)- great chemistry, two great guitarists and some truly inspired moments. As a humble guy, I'm saying it was good, real good. Everyone loved it and wouldn't let us stop playing!

And who could forget the beautiful moments we spent together digging sand and filling erosion holes? I'm not exaggerating when I say we all wept tears of joy and gratitude for this opportunity. Ok, I am exaggerating. We couldn't believe you had to give up an entire afternoon or morning to do a service project and how disorganized they were about it, but then we only paid $70 and 6 seminars are probably worth $400 alone, not to mention the camping, food, free prizes and entertainment.

The raffle and free prizes flying through the air Saturday night- I caught a Royal Robbins hat and a chalk bag.

Speaking of chalk bag... this guy Greg who camped next to us came to the costume party as a Chalk Bag- quite ingenious and low tech- a trash bag, chalk all over him, and the word 'chalk' spelled in green with tape on the back of his white t-shirt.

Arthur and I thought it was hilarious and deserved our full support, especially in light of some of the less appropriate, less imaginative, and frankly incomprehensible competition Chalk Bag was up against. So from the very beginning of the evening, we occasionally yelled out "CHALK BAG!" and more and more so as the costume competition approached.

It caught on... a guy in front of us started yelling it too. Our section of the room was the most passionate about any one competitor- that gave Chalk Bag a fighting chance to win the whole thing.

Chalk Bag's big nemesis turned out to be a guy dressed up as a swimmer- his costume? Goggles, a towel, and a speedo. "Check that out," said Timmy O'Neill, giving us plenty of time to do just that horrid thing.

Chalk Bag strove to protect his innocence by shielding his eyes with his hand, and moved a few competitors away from what Timmy called "Greg Lube-anus". Judging was done applause-o-meter style, and we wore out our throats and hands giving Chalk Bag the support he deserved. He won- it was the funniest thing, we were just giddy, having overthrown a serious election, exerting our will and our humor on the drunken mass of Climb Smart climbers.

Yes.

Long live Chalk Bag!

(Get fun t-shirts and mugs of chalk bag and more here)

Beer Pie, Beer by the Slice

You really can get it that way. At least that's what this awning would have you believe...



Ok, maybe you guessed - this is a pizza place that didn't think too clearly ahead about the view from this side... It's in San Francisco on Bush St- don't remember what its name is and can't figure it out from google maps... alas.

Love Letters from Wayne Dyer's Insane Fans

I wrote a review on amazon some time back about Wayner Dyer's recent book, The Power of Intention. It was in the form of a fake testimonial- to demonstrate how ludicrous the concept is. Fortunately for Wayne, there's a sucker born every minute, and a lot of people want to believe in magic. So, some of his fans got mad at me- but some others read it and felt affirmed by me... so here's the review and the response I got.

10 of 79 people found the following review helpful:

Intention Worked for Me!, September 22, 2004

Reviewer:

Brian B. Carter (San Diego, CA United States) - See all my reviews

Wow, what a book! I'm writing this from the laptop inside my Lambourghini Gallardo, here on the Carribean island I manifested for myself. Before Dr. Dyer's book, I was a total loser, and it was all because I didn't have the right intentions! Plus, I was under the misconception that I should help other people, be polite and courteous, etc. But Dr. Dyer helped me realize that the most important thing in life was to get the world to work MY WAY! Once I understood his message, I got right to changing my intentions. And now here I am, sitting in my dream car on my own island, waiting for my beautiful trophy wife to get done shopping. She's buying me a Rolex!


And here are the emails I got back-

1. Hi there: I've NEVER written an Amazon reviewer before but I felt I had
to when I read your marvelously tongue-in-cheek review of the above
book.

At first I thought you were serious, because I USED to be heavily into
the New Age movement in Southern Calif., and the tone of your review fit
right into that S. Cal New Age vibe. Obviously, most of Amazon readers
didn't get it either, since not many people felt your review was
"helpful"

Anyway--wanted to let you know you were appreciated!

from M.S. in the medical field (name withheld)


2. Was that true about the Lamborgini and the trophy wife? Please let me know because I am going to buy the book..... You're an idiot. - Peter Severa (name not withheld because hate mail and hate mailers should be known to all)

My reply: Thanks. No, it was sarcasm. Let me know how that works out for you. Kind of like "pray and then take action" I think "intend and then take action" will do a lot more than just "intending" - I have plenty of experience with that kind of thing... it's nothing new, and I've seen other people get sucked into it- it's a dead end. Positive thinking is good, but intention is bologny.
- B

Peter's reply: God to know it all, must be wonderful, I think it was Einstein who said imagination is more important than knowledge....I guess you have a lot of knowledge....BTW, the book does talk about doing...one would actually have to read the book to know that though...

My reply: Ya, sorry too busy with work to read the latest fad flash. Buy any diet pills lately?
;-) Just kidding with ya. No, it's not good to know it all. It's very frustrating. :-)
- B

And then Peter gave up on me. Perhaps he read something about being nice in that Wayne Dyer book.

Why the AMA is Losing the Health War

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… October 12, 2003. Have infiltrated the enemy target. Healing center has its own campus, mostly natural. Very little concrete. All corners rounded. Convinced them I was a deep tissue massage therapist… easier that way to take out my aggressions toward them without arousing suspicion. Watching them closely and looking for opportunities to get deeper inside.

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… November 25, 2003. Still maintaining deep cover inside healing center. Primary activities of center include colon hydrotherapy and supervised juice fasts. Difficult to hold my feelings about this treasonous behavior in check – my allegiance to AMA approved medicine only is still strong – and my ability to pretend to support this ridiculous quackery is good. Proud to be of service to my country.

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… December 24, 2004. Missing my private physician and my pharmaceuticals. Have judged it too risky to continue to take my antidepressant medication here. Everyone lives onsite in primitive dwellings. Have to talk with them constantly about how good we are being for mother earth. Disgusting. No private bathroom- no sure place to hide pills, so will use my willpower to conquer emotions. I’ll be fine. My desire to eliminate all this quackery is stronger than my old depression was.

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… December 26, 2004. Was very lonely on Christmas without family. Tried to make cell phone call to my physician’s nurse secretly, but was surprised and invited to meditate with another massage therapist, an attractive but hopelessly deluded little sprite. Facility here has little security, but all staff are very close. Reminds me of operations in Falujah in 1989. Have to adopt lifestyle convincingly. To that end, have had to accept invitation from the colon hydrotherapist to have colon cleansing. Such masochism here, all in the name of health. Pseudoscientific crap!

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… December 31, 2004. Feeling much more upbeat about deep cover work here. Sprite thinks it’s because of the colon cleansing, but I think it’s my focused patriotism. Long live the AMA! Annoying little female massage nymph whose name really actually is, get this, ‘Sprite’, trying to sucker me into relationship, it appears, but I’m too revolted by her to accept (doesn’t shave armpits). Tell Cindy F. in Advanced Weapons Technology I said hi. Made acquaintance with woman who owns the center, trying to get into her confidence, assessing weaknesses we can exploit here.

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… January 11, 2004. Haven’t checked in lately- confused- difficult to resist constantly positive smiling healers- I’ve become a bit depressed- they seem to see it- couldn’t help it got involved with Sprite- but had to to avoid arousing suspicion- shamanic journey therapist told me I needed to ‘pursue the light’. Found center’s files, skimmed them- not sure if there’s anything we can use- maybe some kind of IRS violation we can find in their finances. On a strange note, I actually enjoyed one of the colon hydrotherapy sessions. This quackery can be disorienting. See how these people might become confused enough to be so deluded.

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… January 19, 2004. Sick of juice, can’t stop thinking about bone-in rib-eye steaks! Dream about them all night. Sprite told me I’m moaning ‘meat’ in my sleep. I told her I dreamt she was saying it about me- close call. Couldn’t photocopy tax records because they’ve been going without power to ‘save the earth’. Suspect they didn’t pay electric bill. Will report in again after stupid healing retreat we all have to do.

AMA Intelligence Agent CX93(?) field report… February 1, 2004. Requesting transfer or new assignment. Strange thoughts. Questioning AMA. Retreat was intense. Found my spirit name, White Horse. Feel I’m being brainwashed. But it’s working- very confused. No longer want steak. Feeling tearful affection for other staff. Was happy when I helped a massage patient. Think I’d be better off back in a Middle East assignment.

AMA Intelligence Agent ????? field report… February 3, 2004. No word from you- is something wrong? This is my last ounce of strength telling you I need out of this sickeningly positively heavenly awesome transformative place. They tell me my colon looks perfect and all my flora are balanced. Idea of steak or McDonald’s makes me nauseous. Created my own fasting juice blend. Help!

February 7, 2004. This will be my last communiqué. Sprite and I married in pagan ceremony with female minister. We created spontaneous wedding love song. Attending online colon hydrotherapy course and learning to heal others. Hope you can get free like I did. But you probably won’t understand. Don’t try to contact me again. None of your AMA arguments or weapons will work. Sorry, let me rephrase- if you want a colon cleansing or juice fast, please contact me. Can’t you see that you have to seek the light?
- White Horse.

Swami Sri Yogurt-n-Anda’s Triple Happiness Raisin Secret

September 25, 2004

"Swami Sri Yogurt-n-Anda’s Triple Happiness Raisin Secret"

Hail, peaceful followers of the infinite pool gathering! I, disciple Ten Vidi come to you with a message of hope and tranquility, special for you, prepared by the meditations and incense of the most holy monks of St. Rama Llama Ding Dong.

Our most holy swami Yogurt-n-anda has spent the last twelve years meditating on raisins, and has come to understand a basic truth about dietary purity and how best to prepare your digestive system to convey you quicker to ultimate enlightenment.

The following is my humble translation of his truth writings, taken directly from the vellum scroll on which he inscribed it. I pray for your patience in reading my translation as I am a simple white man who the holy monks lowered themselves to accept- I am a native English speaker and have been forced to learn Hindi and Sanskrit from scraps of paper, thrown out MacDonald’s bags, and the cheap American romance novels (translated into Hindi) that the monks here read. I begged them for the money to take a correspondence course on Sanskrit, but they beat me with big sticks, locked me in the basement, and laughed for three days straight. That’s when I learned my first big spiritual lesson: never ask monks for money. Nonetheless, in college I was forced to read James Joyce and Allen Ginsberg, so I had a lot of experience making sense of nonsense, which is why I was able to learn Sanskrit and Hindi by myself. But occasionally I wonder if my translations are correct. Boy it’s a good thing these monks can’t read English, or I’d probably be in the basement again! Well I better get to it before they decide I’m taking too long. Here are the words of the great, holy, humble, enlightened swami sri yogurt-n-anda:

Greetings earth people and shame on you for being eaters of the foul fowl, the stupid cow, the dirty pig. I love you so much, the universe loves me so and I am the universe so I love you. You have befouled your innards with the meat of idiot animals. I have found a new way, a better way, given to me by the loving universe. I have had much time to consider the finest fruit ever to manifest in this plane of reality, the raisin. As you know, all is energy, down to the deepest subatomic level- the electron, the proton, even the quark are very very tiny expressions of love. And on a bigger level, for us on this planet earth, the sun is the biggest energy, the greatest love we know. It loves one half of the earth all day long, loving the soil, the worms, the plants, the trees, the fish and birds, and even us human bags of bones. And as you know, the raisin could not be without the sun. Not only does the sun go into the growing of the grape, but it goes in again when the grape dries into a raisin. So it contains double the energy and love of other food sources, which only grow once. And if you eat animals, you are eating second-hand love. The raisin is not only first-hand, it is double love, double happiness. So now that you know the truth, let me caution you about this crazy Atkins diet fad I hear so many of you are following. First you must know that protein can be ok, if it is first-hand vegetable love protein, but not the idiot animal protein. But there is a bigger issue for you to consider. Not only is the raisin double the love of other foods, but it has the power of carb within it, one of the only natural ways to defeat karma. You know the old saying, a carb a day keeps the karma away? It’s a famous village saying in the north of Pakistan, or it was before Ghandi. Everything is crazy now since that guy came. But the raisin gives me clarity, and when I put it in my mouth, I smile. That’s all I need to know- the smile test. More than that, I find that I can do more yoga if all I eat is raisins, and more yoga means more access to universal truth, and more happiness, so that means raisins are triple happiness. But about this Atkins- if you say it really fast over and over, it sounds like “I Can’t” which is a very negative thing to think, and if you have this negative mantra in your head even subconsciously while you eat idiot animals, you are what you eat and your mind will be like a cow’s, and I wouldn’t be surprised if your whole life went straight to hell in a handbasket. But don’t worry- if you’ve fallen into this Atkins I Can’t thing, you can get out of the downward spiral with fasting and colon cleansing. Several of the monks here used to be “I Can’ts” and they felt much better after 6 months of fasting and colon cleansing. They went on a very special fast that the raisins taught me. All they ate was cheezits and they drank a lot of green tea. Plus all the colon cleanses were done with Starbuck’s Sumatra coffee - and let me tell you that is the only place in your body fit for Sumatra coffee - and they were totally different guys after that. They lost about 20 lbs and forgot their names, which was ok because we give all the monks new names here. So then we taught new devotees the history of raisins, which we’ve had in the East a lot longer than you have. California raisins, you make me laugh! Your foolish crusading knights stole our raisins in the 11th century but they didn’t take with them the wisdom of raisins. They continued to eat all manner of idiot meat and considered raisins a mere snack. That’s like eating dung and desserting on strawberries! Like mostly watching reality TV and only occasionally going to the Pulse of Oriental Medicine website! Insane! Anyway, the devotees were fascinated to find out how to make and store and chop raisins, and good thing too, because our previous raisin-preparing monks had run away from the monastery to live closer to the MacDonald’s in New Delhi, so our new devotees had nothing to do but make and store and chop raisins all day long, and that’s what they’ve been doing for months now. Anyway, in summary, raisins are triple happiness, catalyze enlightenment, and keep you really darned regular, so eat more of them, give up everything else, and we need some new raisin racks and a lot more napkins, so send us some money here at the Sun Dried Swami Monastery, c/o Sony India Pvt Ltd, Nagpur, India.

Swami Yogurt-n-Anda’s Raisin Constipation Pose

There you have it, a pure translation of super ecstatic truth from a living master. Just translating these words makes me feel closer to the source of all love and energy and truth. I hope you have appreciated our monthly newsletter update from the monastery. I look forward to writing you again, and if you want, please feel free to write us here. I get pretty lonely because most of the other monks don’t speak English, and they never let me watch TV with them. But please, don’t send anymore livestock, at least not in boxes. Someone sent us what I think was at one time a rooster before the Indian postal service and the summer heat got to it. And I couldn’t eat any raisins for days after that. But if you have anything for diarrhea, I’d really appreciate it. I think it’s all the raisins. Well, anyway, peace and blessings, and keep your face toward the sun!

Yours, Ten Vidi, least of all monks, Sun Dried Swami Monastery.

Behold, the Coming of the Anti Atkins

Some say the book of revelation is closed, that God no longer speaks to his children with prophetic visions of the future. But just the other morning at the breakfast table, I was seized with a true apocalyptic dream and I am compelled to share it with you.

It concerns a time in the near distant future when obesity is rampant, and a small but devout group of skinny faithful adherents to the Lord Atkins will suffer all manner of insult and social exclusion for the glory of the one true food component, protein. Oh yes, and even then, many will rise up to claim that they also believe in protein, but some of these will be false prophets who teach convincing near similitudes, yet they will harbor the spirit of the Anti-Atkins, the one who is yet to come.

Yes, though for a time the masses will side with the followers of Atkins, eschewing the chewing of carbohydrates, refusing free bread with meals, single-handedly attempting to destroy the stock portfolios of those who invest in Krispy Kreme; though they will seem to be with us, they will leave us because of the power of carb. The power of carb is deep within us all, and they will be powerless to resist it.

They will find themselves eating all manner of sweets late at night, especially those things which come in transparent plastic that makes lots of noise – Ho Ho’s, Twinkies, and the like. These weak carb-lovers will plead for forgiveness and mercy and claim to be simply ‘carbal Atkinists’. But they seek only to spread the same confusion that fills their soggy, crème-filled minds. They will secretly eat two bowls of Frosted Flakes, because one is not enough. They will read books about candy and try all manner of obscure candies with the urgent certainty that these candies will soon be unavailable and they must try them and enjoy them now before that happens.

Yes, but these Carbal-minded people only presage the coming of the Anti-Atkins, a menace of far greater horror. The power of the carb will turn the hearts of those who had believed in protein against the Atkinists. As they munch their donuts and sip too-heavily-sugared coffee, they will murmur their common resentments against the protein loving, athletic-wear-wearing, often sweaty, very skinny, too happy Atkinists.

As time goes on, they will organize with insulin-dependent lawyers, sitting in conference rooms drinking sweet tea and slurping Twinkie crème through straws, devising ways to destroy the Atkinists. They will establish that eating your favorite food component – namely carbohydrates – is a first amendment right. Free expression implies free consumption. They will find children, disabled, and elderly people to champion their causes, claiming these people have been emotionally traumatized and unfairly discriminated against by Atkinists. They will file motions to have Atkins books removed from bookstores and libraries. They will sue schools for requiring that overweight children do as much exercise as skinny children. After all, should a child who becomes obese through expressing his free consumption rights have to suffer just because another child prefers protein? After a few more years, we’ll see the first case of child abuse filed on the basis of not giving the child as much sugar and carbohydrates as they want.

About this time, the Anti-Atkins will arise. He will consolidate this carb backlash. He will write books and become a loved and respected prophet amongst the people. Science will be divided over the issue. The insurance industry will become silent for fear of being sued for discriminating against obese people. The Anti-Atkins will be hugely obese, but in a happy friendly way. He will also have a smile, a joke, or a wise comment for his fans. He will be the only guest on Oprah for 6 weeks straight.

This was the end of my vision. I became aware of myself at the breakfast table, looking out at my backyard, my face drenched in perspiration, shaking with palpable fear, and to my horror, I realized I was holding a spoon, and there was an empty bowl of Frosted Flakes in front of me.