Long Live the Computer Woman Voice and Her Amazing Customer Service!

I'm happy to report that my cable modem died today.

"Great!" said my wife.

"Another tech problem. What would I do if I didn't have any tech problems?"

"Life would be pretty boring."

So, I called Cox Communications, filled with excitement - I didn't have to worry about my social anxiety, because it would be hours before I had to talk to a real human customer service representative.



You're probably as happy as I am about the fact that most companies have computerized their phone systems. It's now impossible to get ahold of any real living breathing people. In fact, they purposely make the phone options inadequate and confusing in the hope that you don't really have a problem, or you'll decide you can live:

• without a computer
• without the internet
• with the water all over your floor
• with a mongo gas leak you can't stop, or
• with a large piece of steak blocking your windpipe.

Cox, with an obvious stroke of genius, has incorporated cutting edge technology, something not unlike what you saw in 'I Robot', called - brace yourself - "artificial retardidence". A very calm and sane woman's voice comes on and tells you she'll be helping you because all the humans are very very busy and they'd go through the exact same process with you anyway. It really surprised me that Cox employees take phone calls this way:

• speaking very slowly
• ignoring you until after they ask a question, and
• only allowing 2 right answers for each question

But hey, who am I to judge?



To my delight, the computer woman has no idea that the modem might just be dead. But she does make a cool keyboard sound when she looks up my info. I didn't know computers could type on their own keyboards. Maybe she's a robot. I wonder if she's hot!



"Our records show you have a Toshiba modem, is that right?"



"No." Oops, that WAS right, but I thought she meant my computer, because I was thinking of my wife's Toshiba laptop, which isn't working, even after erasing the hard drive. It's her third Toshiba laptop and they've all had problems. I keep telling her to get away from Toshiba and get a Dell desktop like me- they're like Hondas, never require maintenance. But she seems to like the dynamic of random computer problems- she's stickin with Toshiba through thick and thin, even after three deadbeats. Come to think of it, I'm her third husband, and the other two were losers... nevermind, I love Toshiba! Toshiba's just fine!



"Oh, ok," computer woman continues. "I'm going to need you to look for the modem and tell me what kind it is... when you're ready, say continue."



I was looking right at the modem. "Continue."



"I'm sorry, there are only two answers you can say right now-"



"Continue!"



"(Long pause) Ok, the modem is a small either white or black box, located either on your floor, or on the desk-"



I've already hit zero for operator twice. The first time, the computer woman gives me a fake ringing sound, pretending she's checking to see if someone was available, but I know what she's doing - it's called 'giving customers the artificial runaround' or just 'artificial lying'.

"Sorry," she says, "all operators are still busy." Surprise! "Let's keep going, and when I connect you, I'll let customer service know everything we do."



I'm glad you can't get sent to anger management for yelling at computer voices and muzak. Not YET that is. Wait until computer women get their rights. They'll probably get them from computer judges. But I feel unheard here. She doesn't get what I'm yelling. I think they should teach the computer woman to recognize words like **** and **** and ***** so she can tell my customer service representative about it whenever she connects me to him, like next Saturday. By then, I'll feel bad, though, and try to ask the computer woman's forgiveness.



"I'm sorry," says computer woman. "We're experiencing unusually high call volumes today." An then in a gushing voice, "Thanks for waiting! We'll connect you to a customer service representative as soon as possible."

Oh, well that makes it all ok, doesn't it?



I wonder how many angry unshaven guys drive their little trucks over to Cox Communications, brandishing useless computer parts as weapons, looking for infuriating computer women. I bet they hope they find her so they can bash her to bits and then say, "Oh, I'm sorry! I'm experiencing UNUSUALLY HIGH ANGER VOLUMES TODAY!" Now I understand why Cox's campus is surrounded by a 10 foot iron fence and has a guard shack at the entrance. "Listen, trainee," says the veteran guard, "we take down the angry ones." He hits his palm with the nightstick. "Even sorta angry ones... Got it?"



Good thing I can daydream like this while I'm on the phone with them. If I had to talk to a real person right now, I'd have to focus, and that could be difficult for me. I appreciate how easy an experience they're making this for me. All I have to do is sit here... I've been on the phone so long, I forget which company I've called, and why I'm on the phone. I think the muzak is sinking in.



"I'm sorry, we're experiencing unusually high stupidity levels today."

Oh, that's nice!



I sit waiting for the next message, listening to the completely unidentifiable muzak. I wonder if you can get that stuff on CD. What's up with the muzak industry anyway? How come we never hear about it? What about the scandalous lives of muzak-cians? I just don't think you can play muzak versions of rock n roll and rap without the rebelliousness and gangsta lifestyle rubbing off on you. And how much bling bling do muzak-cians have? Rock stars date movie stars. Who do date muzakcians date? And is there a history of muzak book? That would be fascinating. Well, maybe not, but it would definitely be pleasant.



"I'm sorry, we're experiencing unusually high numbers of employees outside smoking today. Thanks for waiting."



I'm speechless now, trying to think of the word for how I feel - which smiley face is me today? I think it must be RAGE. Or it would be if I didn't have this beautiful muzak to listen to. I think it used to be Public Enemy, or maybe Eminem, but now it's just... pleasant.



When I finally talked to a non-computer person, which was actually pretty fast considering the picture my computer woman had painted, I learned you can get past the computer by not cooperating with the computer woman. I had forgotten the last time I'd called, I'd done that by acting retarded. If she can't understand you, she happily forwards you to a non-computer person. Poor computer woman. I'd really hate to put her out of work.



***Oh, and if you’re not sure I’m telling you the truth about Cox’s beautiful automated system, either try it out yourself at 800-221-4188, or check out their online version of the RUNAROUND online. Go to http://www.cox.com/support/sandiego/techsupport.asp, and just try to find a phone number.